Life seems to be like I'm walking through a thick heavy fog, so thick I can't see what's ahead and I barely can make out what's behind. And so heavy that I can barely even move, it takes all I have to take one simple step. I don't know what's going on...ok so I do...but I just think I'm in denial and don't want to face anything right now. I know that I have a God so good and so gracious that He will carry me through the fog...if I only let Him. I think that is what I am struggling with, but not exactly sure. Being back in Portland has been hard, my expectations were so different from reality. I guess I was expecting life to be somewhat the same as it was when I was in school. I expected relationships to pick up where they had left off in May, but not being at school plays a bit of a hinderance, whether purposed or not. I miss the community of school, and of camp. I guess that proves that we were made for relationships...but it is a hard concept to maintain. I just pray that I would let go of all that weighs my heart down and let God work. I know I am walking through this for a reason...so that I can see that I need to rely on God and God alone. So often I cling to people and relationships first, then I cling to God. But that shouldn't be. I just pray that I would allow the hardness of my heart to break so that I would trust in what God is doing and so that I would be able to grow from all this.
I heard this song the other day...and I was on the verge of tears. This is how I want to live my life...I want to not only imagine myself being free, but I want to be free. I want to rest in the sweet grace that comes only through Christ. This is my desire...
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Imagine Me...Kirk Franklin
Imagine me, loving what I see when the
Mirror looks at me 'cause I imagine me
In a place of no insecurities
And I'm finally happy cause
I imagine me
Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me
'Cause they never did deserve me
Can you imagine me
Saying no to thoughts that try to control me
Remembering all you told me
Lord can You imagine me
Over what my mamma said
And healed from what my daddy did
And I wanna live and not read that page again
Chorus
Imagine me, being free
Trusting you totally
Finally I can…imagine me
I admit it was hard to see
You being in love with someone like me
But finally I can…imagine me
Being strong and not letting people break me down
You won't get that joy this time around
Can you imagine me
In a world where nobody has to live afraid
Because of your love fears gone away
Lord, can You imagine me
Bridge
Letting go of my past
And glad I have another chance
And my heart will dance
'Cause I don't have to read that page again
Vamp
Gone, gone, it's gone, all gone
